Open Letter To Kings: Please Stop Marrying My Employees
Dear Byzantine Kings Past, Present, and Future,
My name is Anaxagoras. My family has owned businesses for generations. I myself am an entrepreneurial man, and in my time I’ve owned and operated bars, theaters, and brothels throughout the empire. You may remember some of my more famous enterprises, such as my successful bar “Μεθυσμένος” and my brothel “Σπίτι του ανατέλοντος ηλίου” (which, to be clear, is not the one where that one guy died. That was my cousin Archegoras’ place “Ανατολή ηλίου σπίτι”). Anyway, when I first got into the “entertainment” business, I thought it would be straightforward – that I would provide a service and people would pay for it. However, your highnesses, you taught me when you began frequenting my establishments that it’s not so simple.
With all due respect, most divine rulers: please, stop stealing my barmaids, my actresses, and the women in my brothels and turning them into queens!
When it happened with Helen, the mother of Constantine, I thought it would be a one-time thing. I mean, she’s beautiful, but I couldn’t even put her in my brothel – she’s the most pious woman I’ve ever met. Nobody really talks anymore about her time working for me in one of my inns, but she was a great employee! She always worked harder than any of my other barmaids. Her signature cocktail, Κυριολεκτικά βότκα, always kept the customers happy. I think her work ethic definitely stemmed from some sort of desire for hard-earned martyrdom, but hey, it worked well for me too. She was a pretty perfect woman, so it came as little surprise when one day, Constantius came in after a long day of battle and just… scooped her up and took her home. I figured she would be better off with him, so I was happy for her, but it took me almost a year to find a new barmaid.
I kept track of Helen over the years – I felt sorry for her when her husband divorced her (and maybe had a little hope she’d come back to work), but was overjoyed when she came back to court after her son became emperor. I always thought that her lowly upbringing gave her the foundation to be a great Christian queen. She was always the best at finding lost glasses at the bar, and she ended up finding the true cross! Obviously the skills she gained at my inn made her a more humble and holy woman. I always held out the hope that she would help me out with a little advertisement for my business – I was a great boss, after all – but unfortunately, you all seem to have kept her from talking about her time working with me once she became a queen. So there I was, a barmaid short and with a shrinking patronage as everybody became inspired by Helen to live a more virtuous life free of “sin and vice.”
I was sure that nothing like that could ever happen again… and then came Theodora. She worked in one of my most successful theater-brothel combos, and she was also one of my most successful employees. She was pretty much the polar opposite of Helen, so I was completely shocked when Justinian scooped her up too. I mean, she’s beautiful too, but it’s not like we can pretend she’s particularly virtuous, which I’d originally thought was the sort of “selling point” for Helen. I do think that her time working for me made a difference in her time as empress, however – you can’t survive in this business without a certain amount of cunning, and no one can deny that Theodora was cunning. She may not have been a “good” queen in the traditional sense, but she was powerful in a way that I’m not sure a woman of a higher upbringing could have been. I’m always proud to see my former employees rise to new heights, but do you know how difficult it is to train a new performer? I don’t think Justinian was thinking about that when he swept Theodora off her feet.
I understand that I’m “just a lowly innkeeper.” Who am I to prevent a king from taking whichever queen he wants? And obviously the women you’ve all chosen have proven to be effective queens in different but important ways – my sweet, pious Helen pretty much brought Christianity to the mainstream, and my wild, intelligent Theodora ruled practically alongside her husband with an iron fist. And to be fair, I was pretty glad to have Euphemia taken off my hands. But why haven’t any of your highnesses considered that I also need powerful women to work in my establishments?
Listen, kings across the land – I obviously pledge my undying allegiance to you, you all rule in the favor of God, blah blah blah. I totally get that you can have any queen you choose, and maybe my employees are just the most beautiful women in the land (I do have good taste). But as you are the sovereign rulers of this empire, I implore you to think about the health of your empire’s small business owners, and please, for the love of God, just marry an aristocrat like everybody else.
Sincerely,
Anaxagoras, a local entrepreneur
My name is Anaxagoras. My family has owned businesses for generations. I myself am an entrepreneurial man, and in my time I’ve owned and operated bars, theaters, and brothels throughout the empire. You may remember some of my more famous enterprises, such as my successful bar “Μεθυσμένος” and my brothel “Σπίτι του ανατέλοντος ηλίου” (which, to be clear, is not the one where that one guy died. That was my cousin Archegoras’ place “Ανατολή ηλίου σπίτι”). Anyway, when I first got into the “entertainment” business, I thought it would be straightforward – that I would provide a service and people would pay for it. However, your highnesses, you taught me when you began frequenting my establishments that it’s not so simple.
With all due respect, most divine rulers: please, stop stealing my barmaids, my actresses, and the women in my brothels and turning them into queens!
When it happened with Helen, the mother of Constantine, I thought it would be a one-time thing. I mean, she’s beautiful, but I couldn’t even put her in my brothel – she’s the most pious woman I’ve ever met. Nobody really talks anymore about her time working for me in one of my inns, but she was a great employee! She always worked harder than any of my other barmaids. Her signature cocktail, Κυριολεκτικά βότκα, always kept the customers happy. I think her work ethic definitely stemmed from some sort of desire for hard-earned martyrdom, but hey, it worked well for me too. She was a pretty perfect woman, so it came as little surprise when one day, Constantius came in after a long day of battle and just… scooped her up and took her home. I figured she would be better off with him, so I was happy for her, but it took me almost a year to find a new barmaid.
I kept track of Helen over the years – I felt sorry for her when her husband divorced her (and maybe had a little hope she’d come back to work), but was overjoyed when she came back to court after her son became emperor. I always thought that her lowly upbringing gave her the foundation to be a great Christian queen. She was always the best at finding lost glasses at the bar, and she ended up finding the true cross! Obviously the skills she gained at my inn made her a more humble and holy woman. I always held out the hope that she would help me out with a little advertisement for my business – I was a great boss, after all – but unfortunately, you all seem to have kept her from talking about her time working with me once she became a queen. So there I was, a barmaid short and with a shrinking patronage as everybody became inspired by Helen to live a more virtuous life free of “sin and vice.”
I was sure that nothing like that could ever happen again… and then came Theodora. She worked in one of my most successful theater-brothel combos, and she was also one of my most successful employees. She was pretty much the polar opposite of Helen, so I was completely shocked when Justinian scooped her up too. I mean, she’s beautiful too, but it’s not like we can pretend she’s particularly virtuous, which I’d originally thought was the sort of “selling point” for Helen. I do think that her time working for me made a difference in her time as empress, however – you can’t survive in this business without a certain amount of cunning, and no one can deny that Theodora was cunning. She may not have been a “good” queen in the traditional sense, but she was powerful in a way that I’m not sure a woman of a higher upbringing could have been. I’m always proud to see my former employees rise to new heights, but do you know how difficult it is to train a new performer? I don’t think Justinian was thinking about that when he swept Theodora off her feet.
I understand that I’m “just a lowly innkeeper.” Who am I to prevent a king from taking whichever queen he wants? And obviously the women you’ve all chosen have proven to be effective queens in different but important ways – my sweet, pious Helen pretty much brought Christianity to the mainstream, and my wild, intelligent Theodora ruled practically alongside her husband with an iron fist. And to be fair, I was pretty glad to have Euphemia taken off my hands. But why haven’t any of your highnesses considered that I also need powerful women to work in my establishments?
Listen, kings across the land – I obviously pledge my undying allegiance to you, you all rule in the favor of God, blah blah blah. I totally get that you can have any queen you choose, and maybe my employees are just the most beautiful women in the land (I do have good taste). But as you are the sovereign rulers of this empire, I implore you to think about the health of your empire’s small business owners, and please, for the love of God, just marry an aristocrat like everybody else.
Sincerely,
Anaxagoras, a local entrepreneur
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