Femme Formal

So you want to be a medieval, European queen…

Well, you are in luck! In this glorious time, kings are quick to dispose of their paramours should they become…less than helpful. But — fret not! This cycle of removal and replacement means opportunity. These steps will guide you through the complicated quarrels and qualms of queenship and provide you with a framework upon which to legitimize your role: establishing the femme formal, if you will. 

But, you may ask, what is a queen? 

 

While such ends are accomplished through varying methods, queens can serve as agents of state, as arbiters of justice, as gold distributors, and (as will be common to all those I discuss who ascended to the role of queen) as servants of God. The first to assume the role of queen likely were unaware of these abilities to legitimize their power, but your foremothers have left a blueprint to do just that. If you possess the necessary graces and wits to employ one of the following methods, perhaps you too will be coined and minted, idolized, or sainted. The key is in your faith! Here are some methods by which you can truly embody power as a queen. 

Helena

The track of our dear Helena has been mimed over and over again — with good reason. Should you attempt this approach, you will need to do the following:

1.) Marry a king or king-to-be (youth and beauty are non-negotiable, but becoming pregnant with a future regent really seals the deal); 

2.) Wait for your king to inevitably shuffle off this mortal coil (don’t be hasty; a watched king never dies); 

3.) Cement your proximity to the throne by maintaining a close, nurturing relationship with your eldest son, the new king; 

4.) Become enamored with the teachings of the Bible and of our Lord and Savior; 

5.) Pass these teachings on to your son whilst simultaneously becoming well known as a patron of churches, a collector of relics, and a friend of the Almighty. 

For Helena, this path legitimized her role as the Augusta. It was her devotion to Christianity and her close bond with her son (whom she likely instructed in the ways of Christ) that cemented her authority and ability to hand out sums of money, to free the imprisoned, to establish grand churches. She has been remembered, and we should be lucky to see another of her kind in our lifetimes. 

Radegund

 

Dearest candidate, if you desire the power and influence thus described but are fearful of appearing immodest, the path of Radegund may be just right for you: 

1.) Be of noble birth (if you’re not, you can try faking it, but a better solution may be to have your father invade a small nearby kingdom and assume power); 

2.) Allow yourself to be forcibly taken and betrothed to a distant king; 

3.) Stay with him, maybe conceive a child, and hang tight for about a decade (you’re a kid — what’s ten years to you?); 

4.) During your marriage, be sure to constantly remind your husband how much the conjugal act disgusts you (it’s preferable if you get up and repent right afterwards); 

5.) Once you feel comfortable, leave the side of the king and beg for acceptance into your nearest monastic order; 

6.) Live out your days in constant self-torture — which will remind God how much you love him — and keep a friendly relationship with the king, even as you pursue a life of piety and miracle-working. 

For our most noble Radegund, this method of queenly power formalization allowed her to do the good, dirty work of God while also enjoying a blissfully blind state of power where one may write the Byzantine Emperor, for example.

Theodora

 

Would your friends refer to you as a “loose woman?” Are your convictions as easily shed as your clothing? Worry not, sister. A true queen we can still make of you. For all you sinners out there, the path of Theodora is perfect: 

1.) Have promiscuous fun in your youth; 

2.) Meet a young heir to some throne; 

3.) Marry him, being sure to establish early in the relationship that you are partners and that you will support each other’s delusions…I mean decisions; 

4.) Return to your true nature, and have all the fun you’d like (trickle down matriarchy can make for a seriously fantastic afternoon activity); 

5.) Be sure to associate yourself with Christianity — but, please, don’t take this as a sign that you have to live out the tenets of the religion. No, by all means, flaunt your sexual prowess, separate heads from shoulders, but align your image with God simultaneously (you’ll know you’ve done it when religious leaders write apologetics for you). 

For the regal and randy Theodora, this method allowed a private dancer to co-rule an empire with her husband. Not too shabby at all. 

Whatever path you choose, should you become queen, a devotion (feigned or legit) to God will take you far.