Deadliest Match

Across genres and centuries, certain plot devices appear again and again. In many tales, for example, suitors must pass some sort of test in order to win a widely-desired bride; an excessive punishment invariably awaits those who fail. In the Nibelungenlied, a medieval Germanic epic, Brunhild kills her unsuccessful suitors; in Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice, Portia's suitors vow to never marry if they fail her father's test of character; in the classical novella Apollonius of Tyre, King Antiochus beheads his daughter's suitors if they cannot solve the riddle he poses. These trials represent an obliteration of agency. Ultimately, the woman has no say over whom she will marry, while the men must complete tasks that aren’t actually supposed to be possible. This fascination with situations in which the outcome depends on a little ingenuity and a lot of luck is not an exclusively medieval one. The same fascination consumes us today, driving television shows like Survivor, Deal or No Deal, Wheel of Fortune, and so many others. Inspired by Brunhild in particular and this literary trend more broadly, I have created a game show in which suitors attempt to pass similar types of tests. Success leads to love, failure to death. I hope to thereby convey just how constant our tastes have, in many ways, remained. Below is my pitch to executives at BBC (The Burgundian Broadcasting Corporation).

Reality Show Pitch

Working Title: Deadliest Match

The title is short, catchy, and borrows brand equity from the already popular docuseries, Deadliest Catch.  We hope to impress upon our audience that, at least on this show, finding love is quite literally life or death.

Concept:

Eligible young bachelors from around the world compete for the ultimate prize – Brunhild’s hand in marriage and a kingdom to call their own. Over the course of several rounds, contestants will be tested on their strength, wit, virtue, and virility. The only catch: elimination equals execution. Love and lives are on the line. 

Protagonist:

Who could possibly star in the inaugural season of Deadliest Match but Iceland’s sweetheart (and sovereign), Brunhild? Given her brawn, brains, and beauty – to say nothing of her enormous patrimony – viewers will be left in no doubt as to why her suitors would be willing to risk it all.

           

Plot:

·       Round 1: Keeping up with the Queen

Week 1 will test contestants’ physical strength and dexterity. Javelins will be thrown, heavy objects will be lifted, races will be run. The contestants’ most formidable competition? Brunhild herself. To move on to the next round, the suitors must perform admirably not just against one another but against their beloved. When all of the games have been completed, Brunhild will separate those who will continue from those whose journeys (and lives) must come to an end.

·       Round 2: Use Your Head or Lose Your Head

In this round, suitors will be grouped into three large teams. Celebrity guest-star Antiochus will pose a series of riddles – each one more ambiguous than the last. Those who answer quickly and correctly will gain points for their teams. The team with the fewest points at the end of this round will be executed. In a shocking twist, the second-place team will be sent to chopping block as well. Week 2’s message is clear: safety is never guaranteed.

·       Round 3: Fortune’s Wheel

Each contestant will be offered three boxes – one gold, one silver, one lead. He must pick the one carrying a portrait of Brunhild inside of it. Each casket carries a different inscription. The gold one says, “Who chooseth me shall gain what many men desire.” The silver one reads, “Who chooseth me shall get as much as he deserves.” The lead one will state, “Who chooseth me must give and hazard all he hath.” It is in this final box that Brunhild’s portrait may be found. Choosing the right box will send contestants to the next round; choosing the wrong box will send them to their deaths. In an act of unexpected benevolence, however, Brunhild will commute the sentence for this round. Those eliminated must vow to never marry, but can walk away alive.

·       Round 4: Hometowns

With only a handful of suitors remaining, the time has come for Brunhild to imagine her what her life would look like with each of the men. To do this, Brunhild will accompany each hopeful man home. Do his subjects greet her with adequate adoration? Does his castle make it seem like he’s compensating for something? The skills these men supposedly demonstrated and the claims of wealth and nobility they made will all come under greater scrutiny. In the end, Brunhild will find that some suitors are not who they say they are. In a particularly dramatic upset, an apparent frontrunner will be exposed for cheating in round one (which tested physical endurance).

·       Round 5: Fantasy Suites

The pool of contestants has continued to dwindle – only the worthiest few remain. As her fans well know, Brunhild is a force to be reckoned with in the boardroom and the bedroom, and she needs a man who can keep up. After hometown visits, she has gotten a sense of her suitors as rulers; now is her chance to see them as lovers. Raising the stakes still further, those who fail to satisfy the queen will be face a final humiliation before their ultimate execution. While waiting for the final decision to be made, Brunhild’s unlucky exes will be bound and strung from a nail in the wall – quite literally left hanging.