The Bachelor: King Edition

Host- The Bachelor: King Edition features our royal leading man, King Richard! Richard is handsome, wealthy, and recently crowned King! He has everything he could ever want, well except for one thing-- a queen with whom to share his realm. Our producers have searched far and wide to find the most eligible ladies in the land to compete for the chance to gain true love and a crown.

Let’s recap previous weeks before tonight’s dramatic finale! In the first week, we presented Richard with eight of the most beautiful, witty, and pious queen-hopefuls. The season started out with Theodora, Balthild, Brunhild, Esther, Antonina, Radegund, Judith, and Turia. Our handsome king shared what he wants in his wife.

Richard- I want someone with smarts, beauty, and piety but also someone I can control. She must understand I have final say over her actions and responsibilities. I need her to listen to my wishes and excel at making them a reality. She should act as a good example for all women in my realm and demonstrate that wives should act as complements to their husbands.

Host- That week, there was a speed dating challenge so Richard could get one-on-one time with all the women. While most of the women asked the king about himself, Radegund only focused on his religion.

Radegund confessional- Being a queen would allow me to spread God’s message and to help the poor. I would set out to be a pious influence for the whole realm. I pray that King Richard chooses me over these fakes; they talk the talk but don’t walk the walk. I have yet to see any of them praying for over five minutes!

Richard confessional- I appreciate that Radegund is pious, but she seems more interested in Jesus than in me! And she did NOT react well when I said I wasn’t willing to renounce worldly pleasures. There’s no way I could rein in this chick’s intense worship, which I think would stand in the way of fulfilling the duties of marriage and queenship. My wife must integrate devotion to God with dedication to ME.

Host- Radegund was the first to go because it appeared she was already in a committed relationship with someone else—God!

In the second week, Esther pulled Richard aside during the group date and divulged a secret! She revealed to Richard that she was Jewish even though she didn’t put it on her application. Richard eliminated Esther since he can’t tolerate secrets.

Richard Confessional- I need to be able to trust that my future wife is upfront and genuine! And I didn’t like her weird uncle lurking around anyway!

Esther Confessional- I understand that Richard feels blindsided by my heritage, but I told him in the second week! It’s not as if I waited until the very end. And I’m sure he hasn’t been totally honest either! I think his luscious locks may be a toupee!! Ugh I wouldn’t want to marry someone who overreacts like that anyway.

Host- In the third week, the bachelor competitors performed in a talent show. Richard chose to do a double-elimination of two friends who each had odd talents.

Richard Confessional- I appreciated Theodora’s spirit, but the goose was just odd! And I was very uncomfortable when Antonina tried to hypnotize me. Magic’s a really weird hobby anyway. They both had to go! I was very impressed by Turia’s weaving though.

Host- In week four, a rumor emerged that Judith hooked up with a cameraman, so Richard swiftly sent her home.

Richard Confessional- I don’t plan to stick to just one woman but my wife better just be with me! I don’t plan to share my queen with other men! It’s too bad because I was really starting to like her.

Host- In the fifth week, Richard decided he didn’t want to marry a widow who already had kids, so he sent Brunhild home in tears.

Tonight is the emotional season finale, where our royal hottie will choose between Turia and Balthild.

Richard: I want someone who will be a good wife to me, a proper example of obedience and piety for all the women of the realm, and a good mother to future kings and queens! Now I just need to figure out which of the final two ladies gets a throne beside me! Turia seems incredibly selfless, but comes with a lot of baggage. Her parents were murdered! Has she been through too much hardship to be a proper wife? And Balthild is beautiful, and yet still so humble. She’s very sought after and has already turned down a marriage proposal. But is she really genuine, or just trying to get to the top? I need to think very carefully about this important choice!

Host- Stay tuned right after this brief commercial break to see which lucky lady will win her prince charming-- oh did we say prince, we meant king!