Expert Tips for Your Quest to Queenship: How to Get to the Top and Stay There
In a lowly position? Don’t fear. These women started out just like you and have worked their way up to power and prestige.
Important note: This advice only applies for attractive young women, so there’s no need to continue reading if you don’t have these necessary qualifications.
Theodora: From Actress to Augusta
I take pride in the obstacles I overcame to get where I am. Justinian could have married anyone, but he chose me — even though some may not approve of my low upbringing. Let me tell you how I managed to secure the crown.
They say life is a circus, but for me, the circus was my life. I was quite the performer; I put all of myself into each show, and the audience would get to see almost all of me! Some might call me a silly goose for my showy style, but they’re probably boring. I hear I’ve been called “savage as a scorpion” towards my fellow actresses, but how else do you expect to stand out over everyone else? If you become royal, you can help women on an institutional level like I ended up doing, which is far more important than how you treat a few female competitors. I also took being a crowd pleaser to the extreme and really pleased those who liked what they saw. I sold my body to anyone who would pay good money — and I definitely don’t regret it! Justinian certainly didn’t mind my confidence and experience! If I didn’t hone my womanly charms and skills, I could have never won him over.
Eventually I wanted more than my circus life. I made my way (through sex work) to Constantinople knowing I’d meet powerful men there. Lo and behold, all of my practice and planning worked out because Justinian fell deeply in love with me the second we met. At first, I was only a mistress to him, but he soon raised me to patrician rank. At this point, I began to accumulate my great power and riches. Ihad Justinian wrapped around my finger, and he would do anything to make me happy. He did everything in his power to marry me and promote me to Empress, the title I’ve always deserved. Now, because of the enormous wit and power I have, all the men in court and in the nation are my slaves. I choose who gets positions based on how well these people will serve ME. I don’t perform for others anymore: they perform for me.
P.S. My friend Antonina wants to pass on her own message: Cast a Spell and You’ll Do Well! My critics say I have an unexplainable power over my husband. Well, I’ll share my secret with you: a little magic goes a long way. I’ve successfully put a spell on my husband, who stays with me even though I constantly cheat on him. Along with my magical power, I also have connections to help him (and by extension, me) advance and even to save him when he’s in a dire situation (thanks again, Theodora).
Esther: Obey to Get Your Way
My first tip is to keep anything a powerful man wouldn’t like about you a secret. For example, I didn’t let my man find out I was Jewish until I knew he was totally smitten. My next piece of advice is to work within the system instead of trying to change it. Queen Vashti didn’t follow orders and learned her lesson, while I obeyed my husband and got everything I could have possibly wanted. Always ask permission and you’re sure to succeed (if your request is reasonable). With these techniques I did more than uplift myself — I saved my whole people.
Balthild: Don’t Rest ‘Til You’ve Nabbed the Best
If I can make it to the top, anyone (gorgeous) can! I started off as a lowly Saxon who was enslaved as a child. Later, I was acquired for a low price as a domestic slave by Erchinoald, mayor of the palace of the Merovingian kings. Even though I’ve always known I’m beautiful and amazing, I’ve always feigned humility because men eat that up. So of course Erchinoald asked to marry me, but that was only one step of my many-part plan. My main tip is that if you know men find you beguiling, don’t accept anything but the best. By remaining chaste and refusing the mayor’s proposal, I attracted the attention of the ultimate prize, King Clovis II. My maneuvers paid off with influence and riches, and Clovis and I had three sons who all went on to become kings. How’s that for a rags-to-riches story?!
Important note: This advice only applies for attractive young women, so there’s no need to continue reading if you don’t have these necessary qualifications.
Theodora: From Actress to Augusta
I take pride in the obstacles I overcame to get where I am. Justinian could have married anyone, but he chose me — even though some may not approve of my low upbringing. Let me tell you how I managed to secure the crown.
They say life is a circus, but for me, the circus was my life. I was quite the performer; I put all of myself into each show, and the audience would get to see almost all of me! Some might call me a silly goose for my showy style, but they’re probably boring. I hear I’ve been called “savage as a scorpion” towards my fellow actresses, but how else do you expect to stand out over everyone else? If you become royal, you can help women on an institutional level like I ended up doing, which is far more important than how you treat a few female competitors. I also took being a crowd pleaser to the extreme and really pleased those who liked what they saw. I sold my body to anyone who would pay good money — and I definitely don’t regret it! Justinian certainly didn’t mind my confidence and experience! If I didn’t hone my womanly charms and skills, I could have never won him over.
Eventually I wanted more than my circus life. I made my way (through sex work) to Constantinople knowing I’d meet powerful men there. Lo and behold, all of my practice and planning worked out because Justinian fell deeply in love with me the second we met. At first, I was only a mistress to him, but he soon raised me to patrician rank. At this point, I began to accumulate my great power and riches. Ihad Justinian wrapped around my finger, and he would do anything to make me happy. He did everything in his power to marry me and promote me to Empress, the title I’ve always deserved. Now, because of the enormous wit and power I have, all the men in court and in the nation are my slaves. I choose who gets positions based on how well these people will serve ME. I don’t perform for others anymore: they perform for me.
P.S. My friend Antonina wants to pass on her own message: Cast a Spell and You’ll Do Well! My critics say I have an unexplainable power over my husband. Well, I’ll share my secret with you: a little magic goes a long way. I’ve successfully put a spell on my husband, who stays with me even though I constantly cheat on him. Along with my magical power, I also have connections to help him (and by extension, me) advance and even to save him when he’s in a dire situation (thanks again, Theodora).
Esther: Obey to Get Your Way
My first tip is to keep anything a powerful man wouldn’t like about you a secret. For example, I didn’t let my man find out I was Jewish until I knew he was totally smitten. My next piece of advice is to work within the system instead of trying to change it. Queen Vashti didn’t follow orders and learned her lesson, while I obeyed my husband and got everything I could have possibly wanted. Always ask permission and you’re sure to succeed (if your request is reasonable). With these techniques I did more than uplift myself — I saved my whole people.
Balthild: Don’t Rest ‘Til You’ve Nabbed the Best
If I can make it to the top, anyone (gorgeous) can! I started off as a lowly Saxon who was enslaved as a child. Later, I was acquired for a low price as a domestic slave by Erchinoald, mayor of the palace of the Merovingian kings. Even though I’ve always known I’m beautiful and amazing, I’ve always feigned humility because men eat that up. So of course Erchinoald asked to marry me, but that was only one step of my many-part plan. My main tip is that if you know men find you beguiling, don’t accept anything but the best. By remaining chaste and refusing the mayor’s proposal, I attracted the attention of the ultimate prize, King Clovis II. My maneuvers paid off with influence and riches, and Clovis and I had three sons who all went on to become kings. How’s that for a rags-to-riches story?!
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