“Words Are Magic”: An Interview with the Empress Theodora
For this month’s issue of Byzantium’s Bazaar we wanted the real dirt on our cover star Theodora, so we asked her friend Antonina to do the interview. What happened next was an unexpectedly candid conversation about power and magic. Read on to learn about Theodora’s rise to empress and her tips on how to use demonic connections to get your husband to transfer all his power to you!
Antonina, wife of General Belisarius: Theodora! This is so exciting. Let’s go back to the beginning: how did you get your start? Take us back to your youth.
Theodora Augusta: Antonina! I’m so thrilled to be doing this with you. As a lot of the empire already knows, I was raised in Constantinople. We were pretty poor, so I started working early on as a dancer at the Hippodrome. #GoBlues! And from there I moved into the theatre … it was a wild time. Lot of sex, lots of magic – a young woman’s dream!
A: Your sexual exploits have come up a lot over the years, but tell me more about your magic!
T: It’s not as crazy as it sounds. There’s a lot of overlap between performing on stage and performing services for demons in exchange for wicked favors.
A: What made you get into demonology in the first place?
T: Back then it was mostly to ruin the guys I was having sex with. I really think that anyone who preys on young prostitutes gets what’s coming to them.
A: And that’s the work you do now with your monastery named Repentance, for former prostitutes?
T: Yes. There we try to refine long-distance magical techniques so they can hunt down their pimps from the inside—and we do still rely on demons for that. I know you prefer magic philters…
A: I just think traditional potions are a bit more effective for sexual ensnarement! But I guess that wasn’t your goal as a young woman. How have your aims changed since then?
T: I spent a number of years out in the provinces, with a couple of minor generals, but it quickly became clear to me that they weren’t valued enough to come back home and I was going to be stuck somewhere awful, like Alexandria, for the rest of my life. And that was when I started consulting the demons who specialized in power grabs, so that I could get back to Constantinople and find a better situation for myself.
A: Now, to ask the question that’s on everybody’s minds, are the accusations that you cast a sex spell on Justinian true?
T: Technically, no. The demon I was working with suggested we use sex just to facilitate my rise to the throne, because that was my background, but ultimately my current hold over Justinian isn’t related to sex.
A: And so how have you managed that? I ask because Belisarius is pretty enchanted by me but I have to sneak him new charms every few months just to keep us together.
T: That’s one of the disadvantages of the potion method, obvs. But at this point I think we’re together because we’ve grown as a couple. I don’t know what Justinian would do without me—we came to the throne at the same time; he’s never really been alone. It’s all about trusting each other with your deepest secrets, because those are the currency of power. Also, I shouldn’t say this, but we started seeing demons together after the marriage, and Justinian really took to it. Honestly, I think he’s a demon himself at this point, and well… I love demons.
A: Fascinating… I mean, I don’t kinkshame, but… Just to go back a little bit, what other powers do you think your deal with the demon gave you?
T: Probably the most important one was stubbornness, which means I can hold a grudge forever.
A: I know!
T: I know you do. You still need to pay me back for the blue robe you wore to that banquet last May, by the way.
A: Yeah, yeah, after this.
T: And probably the other big thing was how to lie convincingly.
A: Oh?
T: Absolutely. You don’t actually owe me money for that robe; you bought it yourself, remember?
A: Whoa.
T: Between the stubbornness and the lying, with a little bit of sex appeal to get them interested, I can make people do almost anything.
A: So it’s not really magic at all?
T: Haters like Procopius are always spreading these crazy rumors to the tabloids, but I’m just playing people off each other. I mean, if you really think about it, words are magic, and it’s just about using them to get what you want. It’s all about talking to the people you’re trying to scam or hurt. So, with Justinian, I told him that what I wanted was money and control over the church, and then I got both, more than enough, actually. That’s why I’ve turned to putting men in dungeons for not using the right words with me—it’s kind of an outlet for all this power. But starting out with that demonic connection was 100% necessary.
A: I totally get that. Well, I loved talking with you. This was so much fun!
T: It was! I hope we can do it again soon!
This interview has been lightly edited for clarity.
Antonina, wife of General Belisarius: Theodora! This is so exciting. Let’s go back to the beginning: how did you get your start? Take us back to your youth.
Theodora Augusta: Antonina! I’m so thrilled to be doing this with you. As a lot of the empire already knows, I was raised in Constantinople. We were pretty poor, so I started working early on as a dancer at the Hippodrome. #GoBlues! And from there I moved into the theatre … it was a wild time. Lot of sex, lots of magic – a young woman’s dream!
A: Your sexual exploits have come up a lot over the years, but tell me more about your magic!
T: It’s not as crazy as it sounds. There’s a lot of overlap between performing on stage and performing services for demons in exchange for wicked favors.
A: What made you get into demonology in the first place?
T: Back then it was mostly to ruin the guys I was having sex with. I really think that anyone who preys on young prostitutes gets what’s coming to them.
A: And that’s the work you do now with your monastery named Repentance, for former prostitutes?
T: Yes. There we try to refine long-distance magical techniques so they can hunt down their pimps from the inside—and we do still rely on demons for that. I know you prefer magic philters…
A: I just think traditional potions are a bit more effective for sexual ensnarement! But I guess that wasn’t your goal as a young woman. How have your aims changed since then?
T: I spent a number of years out in the provinces, with a couple of minor generals, but it quickly became clear to me that they weren’t valued enough to come back home and I was going to be stuck somewhere awful, like Alexandria, for the rest of my life. And that was when I started consulting the demons who specialized in power grabs, so that I could get back to Constantinople and find a better situation for myself.
A: Now, to ask the question that’s on everybody’s minds, are the accusations that you cast a sex spell on Justinian true?
T: Technically, no. The demon I was working with suggested we use sex just to facilitate my rise to the throne, because that was my background, but ultimately my current hold over Justinian isn’t related to sex.
A: And so how have you managed that? I ask because Belisarius is pretty enchanted by me but I have to sneak him new charms every few months just to keep us together.
T: That’s one of the disadvantages of the potion method, obvs. But at this point I think we’re together because we’ve grown as a couple. I don’t know what Justinian would do without me—we came to the throne at the same time; he’s never really been alone. It’s all about trusting each other with your deepest secrets, because those are the currency of power. Also, I shouldn’t say this, but we started seeing demons together after the marriage, and Justinian really took to it. Honestly, I think he’s a demon himself at this point, and well… I love demons.
A: Fascinating… I mean, I don’t kinkshame, but… Just to go back a little bit, what other powers do you think your deal with the demon gave you?
T: Probably the most important one was stubbornness, which means I can hold a grudge forever.
A: I know!
T: I know you do. You still need to pay me back for the blue robe you wore to that banquet last May, by the way.
A: Yeah, yeah, after this.
T: And probably the other big thing was how to lie convincingly.
A: Oh?
T: Absolutely. You don’t actually owe me money for that robe; you bought it yourself, remember?
A: Whoa.
T: Between the stubbornness and the lying, with a little bit of sex appeal to get them interested, I can make people do almost anything.
A: So it’s not really magic at all?
T: Haters like Procopius are always spreading these crazy rumors to the tabloids, but I’m just playing people off each other. I mean, if you really think about it, words are magic, and it’s just about using them to get what you want. It’s all about talking to the people you’re trying to scam or hurt. So, with Justinian, I told him that what I wanted was money and control over the church, and then I got both, more than enough, actually. That’s why I’ve turned to putting men in dungeons for not using the right words with me—it’s kind of an outlet for all this power. But starting out with that demonic connection was 100% necessary.
A: I totally get that. Well, I loved talking with you. This was so much fun!
T: It was! I hope we can do it again soon!
This interview has been lightly edited for clarity.
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